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HEARTBREAKING: Suffering from rare birth defect, the Wolf Girl is confined to a dark and dismal cell.

By C. Michael Forsyth

PYONGYANG, North Korea — Demented, diminutive dictator Kim Jong Un has threatened to launch a nuclear attack on the U.S. and embroil Southeast Asia in war, killing millions of innocent people. But even more sickening, the twisted tyrant has beefed up his dad’s notorious human menagerie – where as many as 150 pitiful freaks are now being held prisoner.

Kept in filthy cages and treated like animals, the “exhibits” are said to include a 17-year-old “Wolf Girl” covered head to toe in fur. The young woman, who has no name, lives in a squalid 6’ X 4’ cell, where she sleeps on a bed of straw, eats slop with her hands and defecates in a bucket. Never taught to speak, the tragic creature communicates only in animal-like grunts and howls.

“She’s Kim’s favorite exhibit,” revealed Katsumi Yamashima, spokesperson for the Tokyo-based Pan-Asia Foundation for Human Rights. “He loves to go down into his ‘zoo’ beneath the palace and taunt her with a walking stick — then squeal with laughter when she snarls at him. It is outrageous that any person would be treated this way – it’s an affront to human dignity.”

The REAL monster: Heartless Kim Jong Un delights in tormenting freaks of nature.

A photograph purported to be that of the Wolf Girl was snapped by a former professional athlete who visited the palace and smuggled the shocking picture out of the country. International watchdog groups believe the hirsute teen was snatched away from her parents as an infant by the dictator’s dad Kim Jong Il’s Gestapo-like secret police.

“Any human oddity that attracts the interest of Kim Jong Un, like his father before him, is whisked away to a cell in The People’s Hall of Curiosities,” explained Ms. Yamashima. “That’s what the menagerie is called — although only the North Korean leader, his henchmen and a handful of curious foreign dignitaries are permitted inside.”

FILTHY cages like this house countless human oddities in North Korean madman’s private “zoo.”

L’il Kim, as the weird-haired, pudgy strongman has been dubbed by wags in the U.S. media, inherited the human zoo from his father and has rapidly increased its numbers from a few dozen to scores. The unwilling residents reportedly include a three-headed boy, a Snake Man, a “mermaid,” and a Human Rhinoceros.

“The poor wretches are held in deplorable conditions, maltreated and malnourished,” blasted the human-rights activist. “Just as you might expect in a country where starving peasants have resorted to eating their dead. This is one of the worst – and most under-reported human-rights outrages in the world.”

The Wolf Girl likely suffers from a rare genetic abnormality known as congenital universal hypertrichosis, experts say.

“It’s associated with a defect on chromosome Xq24-q27 and affects fewer than one in 1 in 340 million people,” explained British geneticist Dr. Christopher Jerbins. “Only a handful of cases have been reported since it was first observed in the Middle Ages. The best known instance is an extended family in Mexico, several of whose members are circus performers.”

What makes the Wolf Girl so unique – and Kim Jong Un’s most prized possession — is that she also suffers from an unrelated condition that is almost as rare: an atavistic human tail.

“Every human embryo goes through a stage in which it develops a short tail,” Dr. Jerbins revealed. “At around eight weeks, white blood cells normally dissolve the tissue. When that doesn’t happen, the baby is born with a tail. There are about 100 cases of a true tail in the medical record.”

AMAZING TAIL: Some babies are born with tails that can wag like dog’s.

Congenital universal hypertrichosis is sometimes accompanied by deafness and language impairments.

“The young woman’s intelligence is probably normal,” noted the expert. “But raised from birth like an animal, she could be expected behave like one.”

Officials of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea dismiss the photo of the Wolf Girl as a “laughably crude fake” created as propaganda by enemies of the communist regime.

The government acknowledges that people with birth defects are patients at an underground “hospital” on the palace grounds. But a spokesman denounced claims that the prisoners are abused.

ROGUE STATE: North Korea is a charter member of the Axis of Evil.

“Most of these unfortunate individuals were shunned in their communities, where they were reviled as ‘nature’s mistakes,” declared Hyang Soon Kangjon, Deputy Minister of Information. “Many were mocked, stoned or cast out. That our Beloved Leader would provide a safe haven for them demonstrates his great compassion. In a nation that has, through no fault of its leaders, suffered from widespread famine, you can be sure that these patients are grateful to have food and shelter.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of fuzzy females, are you in the mood for a sexy story about a werewolf? The author of this article penned Hour of the Beast, which critics have hailed as the “must-read book of the summer.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

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AC/DC: Actresses Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar give bisexuality a shot in “Cruel Intentions.”

By C. Michael Forsyth

TRENTON, N.J. — Gay rights activists, family values crusaders and men’s organizations all see merit in a new form of therapy that trains teenage girls to be bisexual.

Known as Best of Both Worlds Therapy, the treatment takes girls leaning toward lesbianism, but still on the fence, and helps cement their orientation as bisexual instead.

Droves of psychologists have been taking seminars in the approach, in anticipation of a pending New Jersey law that would make it illegal for a licensed therapist to try to “convert” a gay minor to heterosexuality.

“Politics is all about compromise,” explains Ron Whulbred of the U.S. Association for Christian Values. “Of course, in a perfect world, we’d like every American girl to be a red-blooded heterosexual. But we’d certainly prefer her to be bisexual than all the way gay.”

Some gay rights groups, while still wary of Best of Both Worlds Therapy, see it as a vast improvement over Conversion Therapy, also known as “Reparative Therapy.” And even men’s organizations that are sometimes viewed as stuck in the 1970s when it comes to sexuality give a thumbs up to the 12-week program.

“It’s a win-win,” enthuses Rick Scraszholtz, president of Fairness for Men. “Every guy in America wishes his girlfriend was bi. Anyone who can convince thousands of teenage cheerleaders to swing both ways is doing a service to the whole male race.”

The therapy is aimed at “at risk” teens, girls who appear to be tomboys, eschew makeup, excel in traditionally lesbian sports such as softball or fixate on attractive female pop stars like Katy Perry.

“Typically you’ll have a girl of 16 or 17 who has had a boyfriend, then gets drunk at a party and starts kissing another female,” says therapist Dr. Herbert L. Pachivski. “She’ll panic and thinks she’s gay. Her distraught parents, often devoutly religious, will bring her in for counseling. Through talk therapy, I’ll show her that while, yes, she’s attracted to women, she’s probably bisexual, not a lesbian. The relief these girls feel is palpable.”

THREE’S COMPANY? Most men would love to have a girlfriend like smoking hot starlet Megan Fox, who is openly bisexual.

A California law signed by Gov. Jerry Brown last year put the kibosh on Conversion Therapy, branding efforts to flip homosexuals discredited “quackery” that could have a harmful impact on impressionable young gays. But a judge slapped an injunction on the law and as of last week, a federal appeals court in San Francisco was still hearing arguments about it. The New Jersey bill, which recently cleared a state senate panel, is also in jeopardy and some gay organizations consider Best of Both Worlds Therapy an acceptable compromise.

As one lesbian rights activist put it, “We’d rather have young women ‘batting for both teams’ than be strictly on the other side.”

But the innovative therapy has a handful of adamant critics in the LGBT community.

“This sounds to me a lot like certain anti-gay psychologists are trying to make an end run around the law,” declares openly gay journalist Genelle McAverbee. “You’re born either straight, gay or bisexual and nobody can change it, unless you go to prison or something like that.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The author of this article penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by critics “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, sexy romp” and the “must-read book of the summer.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

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OKLAHOMA CITY bombing was just one of countless tragedies that have taken place April 12 to April 20.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Buckle your seatbelts! The Week From Hell is upon us once again – eight disaster-prone days during which, if history is any indication, a major tragedy is likely to take place. Here are just a few of the past tragedies that have befallen the world between April 12 and April 20:

April 12: U.S. Civil War begins
April 13: Apollo 13 disaster
April 14: Lincoln Shot
April 15: Titanic Sinks
April 16: Virginia Tech Massacre
April 17: Russian troops slaughter gold mine workers
April 18: San Francisco Earthquake
April 19: Oklahoma City Bombing, Bay of Pigs, Waco tragedy.
April 20: Columbine High School Massacre

And here, drawn mostly from Wikepedia, is the full list:

BROTHER vs. BROTHER: The Civil War ripped America in two.

APRIL 12

• 1861 – The U.S. Civil War begins when Confederate forces fire on Fort Sumter, in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina.
• 1864 –The Fort Pillow massacre: Confederate forces murder most of the African American soldiers who surrendered at Fort Pillow, Tennessee.
• 1945 – U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt dies in office.
• 1968 – Nerve gas accident at Skull Valley, Utah.
• 1970 – Soviet submarine K-8, carrying four nuclear torpedoes, sinks in the Bay of Biscay four days after a fire on board.
• 2002 – A female suicide bomber blows herself up at the entrance to Jerusalem’s Mahane Yehuda market, killing 7 and wounding 104.
• 2007 – A suicide bomber penetrates the Green Zone and detonates in a cafeteria inside the parliament building, killing Iraqi MP Mohammed Awad and wounding more than 20 other people.
• 2010 – A train derails near Merano, Italy, after running into a landslide, causing nine deaths and injuring 28 people.

UNLUCKY NUMBER: Astronaut James Lovell was lost in space aboard Apollo 13.

APRIL 13

• 1945 – German troops butcher more than 1,000 political and military prisoners in Gardelegen, Germany.
• 1948 – The Hadassah medical convoy massacre: In an ambush, 79 Jewish doctors, nurses and medical students from Hadassah Hospital and a British soldier are slaughtered by Arabs in Sheikh Jarra near Jerusalem.
• 1953 – CIA director Allen Dulles launches the sinister mind-control program MKULTRA.
• 1970 – An oxygen tank aboard Apollo 13 explodes while en route to the Moon, stranding the crew in space.
• 1975 – Bus massacre in Lebanon: Attack by the Phalangist resistance kills 26 militia members of the P.F.L. of Palestine, marking the start of the 15-year Lebanese Civil War.
• 1992 – The Great Chicago Flood. Damaged wall of a utility tunnel beneath the Chicago River opens into a breach that floods basements with an estimated 250 million gallons of water.

ASSASSIN John Wilkes Booth ruins the Lincolns’ night at the theater.

APRIL 14

* 1846 – The Donner Party expedition sets out from Springfield, Illinois for California. After being trapped by heavy snow, nearly half of the 87 pioneers die, many eaten by their starving companions.
* 1865 – U.S. President Abraham Lincoln is assassinated in Ford’s Theatre by John Wilkes Booth.
• 1909 – Adana Massacre is launched by Turkey’s Ottoman Empire against Armenian civilians. Between 15,000–30,000 people are killed.
• 1944 – A massive explosion in India’s Bombay harbor kills 800.
• 1986 – President Ronald Reagan orders major bombing raids against Libya, killing 60 people including an infant girl, reportedly Colonel Gaddafi’s daughter.
• 1986 – Massive 2.2 pound hailstones fall on the Gopalganj district of Bangladesh, killing 92. These are the heaviest hailstones ever recorded.
• 1988 – The USS Samuel B. Roberts strikes a mine in the Persian Gulf.
• 1994 – In northern Iraq, two U.S. Air Force fighters mistakenly shoot down two U.S. Army helicopters, killing 26 people.
• 1999 – NATO mistakenly bombs a convoy of ethnic Albanian refugees. Yugoslav officials say 75 people are killed.
• 1999 – A severe hailstorm strikes Sydney, Australia causing $2.3 billion in insured damages, the most costly natural disaster in Australian history.
• 2010 – Nearly 2,700 are killed in a magnitude 6.9 earthquake in Yushu, Qinghai, China.

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE: A century after the disaster, the sinking of the Titantic remains a night to remember.

APRIL 15

• 1715 – The Pocotaligo Massacre triggers the start of the Yamasee War in colonial South Carolina. In the first year of the war, the Yamasee Indians lose about a quarter of their population, either killed or enslaved.
• 1912 – The RMS Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic at 2:20 a.m., two and a half hours after hitting an iceberg. 1,517 people are killed.
• 1941 – In the Belfast Blitz, the German Air Force (Luftwaffe) bombs Belfast, Northern Ireland, killing 1,000 people.
• 1969 – North Korea shoots down a United States Navy aircraft over the Sea of Japan, killing all 31 on board.
• 1970 – During the Cambodian Civil War, massacres of the Vietnamese minority results in 800 bodies flowing down the Mekong River into South Vietnam.
• 1979 – A disastrous 7.1 earthquake occurs on Montenegro coast.
• 1989 – British soccer fans crush together at Liverpool’s Hillsborough Stadium in the FA Cup Semi Final, causing 96 deaths.
• 1989 – The Tiananmen Square protests of 1989 begin in the People’s Republic of China. Thousands are massacred by Communist troops.
• 2002 – Air China Flight CA129 crashes into a hillside during heavy rain and fog near Busan, South Korea, killing 128.

CRAZED student went on killing spree at Virginia Tech.

APRIL 16

• 73 A.D. – Roman legions crush the Jewish revolt at Masada after months of seige. Hundreds of Israelites commit suicide rather than be taken as slaves.
• 1945 – About 7,000 civilians and wounded soldiers perish when the German refugee ship Goya is sunk by a Soviet submarine torpedo, marking one of the worst tragedies in maritime history.
• 1947 – Texas City Disaster: An explosion on board a freighter in port causes the city of Texas City, Texas, to catch fire, killing almost 600.
• 1990 – “Doctor Death” Jack Kevorkian carries out his first assisted suicide.
• 1992 – The Katina P. runs aground off of Maputo, Mozambique and 60,000 tons of crude oil spill into the ocean.
• 2007 – Virginia Tech massacre: The deadliest spree killing in modern American history. Seung-Hui Cho kills 32 and injures 23 before committing suicide.

THE KILLING FIELDS: Millions were slaughtered by Cambodia’s Khmer Rouge fanatics.

APRIL 17

• 1912 – Russian troops open fire on striking goldfield workers in northeast Siberia, killing at least 150.
• 1941 – Germany conquers Yugoslavia.
• 1975: Khmer Rouge forces take over Cambodia. About 1.7 million people are slaughtered by this tyrannical regime, most dumped in the infamous mass graves known as The Killing Fields.
• 2006 – Sami Hammad, a Palestinian suicide bomber, detonates an explosive device in Tel Aviv, killing 11 people and injuring 70.

MASSIVE earthquake laid waste to San Fransico.

APRIL 18

*1880 — A powerful tornado rips through Marshfield, Missouri, leaving 99 people dead and 100 injured.
• 1897 – The Greco-Turkish War is declared between Greece and the Ottoman Empire. About 8,000 die in the brief but bloody conflict also known as The 30 Day War.
• 1902 – Quetzaltenango, the second largest city of Guatemala, is destroyed by an earthquake, killing about 900 people.
• 1906 – San Francisco earthquake destroys much of city. Death toll of 700 is often cited but experts believe as many as 2,800 may have perished in quake and resulting fires.
*1942 – U.S. planes bomb Tokyo in the Doolittle Raid as revenge for Pearl Harbor, killing 50. All the aircraft are shot down and 11 crewmen are killed or captured. After Chinese civilians help other aviators escape, Japanese massacre 250,000 of them retaliation.
• 1983 – A suicide bomber destroys the United States embassy in Beirut, Lebanon, murdering 63 people.
• 1996 – Israeli army shells the U.N. compound at Quana, Lebanon, blowing to smithereens at least 100 civilian refugees who’d taken refuge there.
• 2007 – A series of bombings wreak havoc in Baghdad, killing 198 and injuring 251.

UP IN FLAMES: The seige of a cult compound in Waco, Texas, ended in tragedy.

APRIL 19

• 1943 – German troops crush the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising. An estimated 13,000 Jews are killed, about half of those burned alive or killed by smoke inhalation. Of the 50,000 survivors, most are shipped to extermination camps.
• 1943 – Swiss chemist Dr. Albert Hofmann deliberately takes LSD for the first time, introducing the drug that will destroy thousands of minds.
• 1961 – The Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba ends in a fiasco for the U.S., in which most of the 1,500 C.I.A.-trained invaders are captured or killed.
• 1989 – A gun turret explodes aboard the USS Iowa, killing 47 sailors.
• 1993 – The 51-day siege of the Branch Davidian compound outside Waco, Texas ends when a fire breaks out. Eighty-one people die, including 20 children and two pregnant women.
• 1993 – South Dakota governor George Mickelson and seven others are killed when their plane crashes in Iowa.
• 1995 – Oklahoma City bombing: Timothy McVeigh blows up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, killing 168.
• 1997 – The Red River Flood of 1997 overwhelms region from North Dakota to Minnesota, inflicting $3.5 billion in damage.

EVIL punks massacred classmates in cafeteria of Columbine High School.

APRIL 20

• 1792 – France declares war on Austria, the beginning of French Revolutionary Wars in which tens of thousands die.
• 1889 – Nazi madman Adolf Hitler is born. He launches World War 2 in which over 60 million people are killed.
* 1914 – In the heat of a Colorado miners’ strike, coal company goons and the Colorado National Guard gun down nearly two dozen people including 11 innocent children in the Ludlow Massacre.
• 1999 – Columbine High School massacre: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold fatally shoot 13 people and injure 24 others before committing suicide in Jefferson County, Colorado.
• 2010 – The Deepwater Horizon oil well explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, killing twelve workers and causing the BP oil spill which lasts six months.

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Like Bigfoot, werewolves are huge, hairy and stand upright, as this costume illustrates.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY? Could the Bigfoot in this famous photo really be merely a werewolf?

By C. Michael Forsyth

SPOKANE, Wa. — A researcher has at long last found a logical explanation for Bigfoot sightings: The hairy creatures are simply tall werewolves!

“In the darkness and confusion that usually accompanies such sightings, campers seeing a seven-foot beast covered head to toe in fur don’t realize they’re simply looking at a basketball player suffering from lycanthropy,” says veterinarian Dr. Andrew K. Luskheimer. “It’s a case of mistaken identity.

“I’ve always believed that one day science would find a rational explanation for the Bigfoot phenomenon. I’m quite tickled to have been the one to find it.”

The expert reached his startling conclusion after studying casts of footprints left behind at Bigfoot sightings throughout the Pacific Northwest with a cast of the paw print of the famous Werewolf of Abbotsham, which plagued the moors of England in the 1900s.

“The prints are virtually identical,” he points out. “There is no doubt that these two types of hirsute, nocturnal, bipedal humanoids are one and the same. This of course explains why whenever park rangers follow up Bigfoot sightings by the light of day, the creatures are nowhere to be found.”

Intriguingly, a tuft of Bigfoot hair recovered by scientists from a campsite in Yellowstone National Park in 1985 was later found to be canine.

“At the time, Bigfoot hunters were disappointed, when in fact they’d stumbled onto the answer to the riddle,” says the expert.

FOOTPRINT left behind by the notorious Werewolf of Abbotsham was preserved in this plaster cast.

CAST of Bigfoot print found near Roseburg Ore.

Virtually every authentic Bigfoot sighting has taken place during the full moon, the scientist notes. Others – such as the infamous Patterson-Gimlin film taken in 1967 – have been either exposed as fakes or are strongly suspected of being fakes.

Stories of hairy beast-men date back to the Native Americans of the northwest. The Halkomelem Indians called the mysterious creatures sasq’et, later anglicized as “Sasquash.”

“It should be noted that shape-shifting has been part of Native American culture for centuries,” said Dr. Luskheimer.

But it’s possible not all werewolves are indigenous. In 1847, reports surfaced that Indians living near Mount St. Helens believed that a race of cannibalistic “wild men” lived near its peak.

“Interestingly enough, about 90 years earlier in the 1750s, a French Canadian named Jean-Baptiste Dubonne, who had been condemned to hang for murders committed ‘while in the form of a wolf,’ escaped and fled to the area,” says Dr. Luskheimer. “Dubonne, a hulking mountain man who stood close to seven feet, likely fathered children who inherited the infection, spawning this pack of lycanthropes.”

The expert cited another fascinating case that throws light on the mystery. In 1934, a posse of armed men in Colville, Washington searched the hills following a Bigfoot sighting. One sheriff’s deputy shot at the Bigfoot and claimed to have hit it in the shoulder before it vanished.

“If you look at a newspaper photo of the posse taken the next day, you’ll see in the background a very tall rancher who appears to be well over seven feet – wearing his arm in a sling,” reveals Dr. Luskheimer. “Knowing what we do now, we can make an educated guess that this was in fact their elusive ‘Bigfoot.’ ”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of werewolves, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

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WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.

By C. Michael Forsyth

BEIJING — In rapidly increasing numbers, members of China’s upper class are undergoing plastic surgery to look different from the rest of their countrymen, experts say.

“The new status symbol in China right now is no longer a big American automobile or designer clothes. It’s having a unique face,” confirms Bradford Kinglem, a highly respected professor of Far Eastern Studies.

Although still communist on paper, modern China is an economic powerhouse in which savvy investors can become as rich as any American. Indeed, the disparity in income between the rich and poor is greater than in any other country outside of sub-Sahara Africa, according to researchers.

OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.

“The days of thousands of people riding on bicycles through the streets of Beijing wearing identical drab uniforms and identical punchbowl haircuts are long over,” says Kinglem. “People want to express their individuality.”

According to health officials, the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery specifically to “no longer look the same as everyone else” was 34,150 in 2012 – 10 times as many as in the previous year. And if current trends continue, the Asian nation will soon outpace the U.S. in folks going under the knife, a report from the International Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery indicates.

FAT CAT Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this distinctive face.

The well-to-do in China have sought out plastic surgery in small numbers for over a decade, but in the past the goal was different.

“A wealthy industrialist would alter his face to look like a popular movie star like Jackie Chan, or his wife might get the Joan Chen. Now successful people don’t want to look like anyone.”

Some officials in the Communist Party of China, which rules the country, disapprove of the show of individuality, preferring the cookie-cutter look of the past.

Grumbled one older party member, “This is not what Red China is supposed to be about. Chairman Mao must be rolling in his grave.”

The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of unique, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

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BABE-RAHAM LINCOLN: Arch conservative Debbie Gurvney bares her support for the party of Lincoln.

By C. Michael Forsyth

TAMPA – Right-wing talk radio host Debbie Gurvney does more than wear her political views on her sleeve. Her body is covered head to toe with tattoos of every Republican President!

The conservative cutie’s curvaceous caboose is adorned with the faces of the party’s greatest icons Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan, while Herbert Hoover, Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, Ulysses S. Grant and other commanders in chief decorate her skin as well.

The outspoken hottie’s 36-24-36 bod also sports an elephant (the GOP mascot), plus familiar slogans including “Morning in America” and “Mission Accomplished.” And in addition to the presidents, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich holds a special place of honor: her bikini area.

“I thought of having President Bush there for obvious reasons, but I decided that would be disrespectful to the leader who kept us safe for eight years,” Debbie says reverently.

Debbie, 26, freely admits the tattoos are in part a publicity stunt to advertise her nationally syndicated show “Debbie Does D.C.,” scheduled to go on the air in six weeks. But she insists there’s more to it than that.

“It’s my way of showing how committed I am to the cause of conservatism at a time when our freedoms are under attack,” the perky pundit explains.

Debbie got her first tattoo, of George W. Bush, eight years ago to show her support for the then-unpopular Iraq war and to thumb her nose at “my peacenik liberal parents.” Since then she’s added another GOP prez every few months.

When the bodacious blonde struts down Miami’s crowded South Beach in a skimpy bikini, she gets plenty of attention – and loves every minute of it.

“It gives me the opportunity to talk about issues such as cap and trade with young male voters who normally couldn’t care less about politics,” she explains. “Many of them don’t know a thing about Calvin Coolidge, Ronald Reagan’s favorite president. But with his face right there between my breasts, it’s easy to bring him up.”

While Debbie adamantly opposes gay marriage, she doesn’t mind that lesbians also drool over her as she stretches out on a beach blanket working on her tan.

“When they ask me about the tattoos, I invite them to have a seat and apply sun block to my back,” she says. “As they’re rubbing lotion on The Gipper and Dubya, it gives me an opportunity to lecture them on the sanctity of traditional marriage and the benefits of conversion therapy.”

Debbie says her role model is famed political commentator Ann Coulter.

“I love that she’s young, attractive and hip, with an irreverent sense of humor,” she says. “I want to show America that not all Republicans are old, rich white men – some of us date old, rich white men!”

Feminists aren’t crazy about the luscious lady’s eye-popping fashion statement. They charge that by using her fabulous figure as a billboard, she’s become little more than a sex object. Debbie pooh poohs that argument.

“It doesn’t surprise me that old-school women’s libbers can’t handle this” she laughed. “They think that every time a man looks at a pretty girl it’s sexual exploitation. And let’s be honest. Your typical frumpy Democrat woman like Hillary Clinton or Dianne Feinstein couldn’t pull this off. I’m living proof that our women are hotter than their women – and we’re a lot more fun.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The author of this story penned Hour of the Beast , hailed by Horror Fiction Review as “a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp.” The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.

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OLD ONES once ruled our world, according to H.P. Lovecraft, who warned of one named Cthulhu.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LONDON — The Old Ones, demonic god-like beings that ruled Earth eons before the dawn of man, have at last been freed from their subterranean prison — and, one by one, have begun to return to our world.

That’s the triumphant claim of ecstatic high priests of ancient, forbidden cults that worship the entities. And, horrifyingly, top occult investigators confirm it’s true!

Cult watchers say that a hideous ritual was conducted simultaneously last December 31 by fanatical followers around the globe – defrocked cardinals in the haunted Parisian catacombs; jabbering witch doctors over vats of flesh in the Congo; bloodthirsty Thuggees in a secret necropolis beneath the Great Hole of Calcutta; hooded necromancers within a circle of Celtic monoliths in Wales and thousands of other degenerates.

FORBIDDEN rites that predate the Druids took place in Northern Wales.

That act of insanity on a day the stars align precisely only once in 90 years unsealed a “gate” protecting our universe from the fiendish beings’ hellish dimension – allowing the first three of the seven Old Ones to emerge, experts warn.

“When all seven come through it will mean the end of man’s dominion over Earth and a new dark age that will never end,” warns Dr. Herbert A. Thackens of Cambridge, Mass., a professor of archaeology and a highly respected authority on the occult.

“Cultists have yearned for this day for centuries. Their priests will reign like Oriental despots over the handful of humans who survive — for a time — as sacrificial lambs, food for these accursed gods. The Old Ones are more ancient than Chaos, more evil than any demon in the deepest circle of Hell – and will be omnipotent once all seven sit on their thrones.”

IN DARKEST Africa, cultists did their part to open the “gate” guarding our world from an alien universe.

Yet some cult leaders admit they are beginning to regret their rash act.

“The Old Ones will usher in an epoch of horror and madness, full of unthinkable abominations,” says Roger Whittenbow, high priest of the Order of Thursis, a London-based branch of Satanism banned by mainstream Satanists for being too evil. “That part is splendid. What’s a bit off putting is how cranky the Old Ones are. They constantly complain about how much Earth has changed for the worse since they last walked it.

“One of the Old Ones, named P’thantu Rami, commanded us to bring Him 700 virgins for a grotesque rite of human sacrifice. I humbly told the great lord that it might take time to round up that many because virgins aren’t so plentiful in Britain now. He spent the next half hour railing about how much more chaste women were in ancient times. He and His brethren don’t care much for cars or the Internet either.”

The Old Ones are proving alarmingly forgetful, he added.

“The second lord, Cthoko Ba’al, summoned me. As I knelt before Him, He ordered that I arrange a bacchanalian orgy so vile in its description it made the most obscene atrocity a depraved syphilitic whore might envision in a fever dream sound like a toddler’s lisping bedroom prayer by comparison,” revealed Whittenbow.

“As I began phoning around to find a suitable venue, the Old One called me back in and gave the exact same order again. He’d forgotten what He’d said 10 minutes earlier! Another time, Cthoko Ba’al commanded us to look for His unholy crown, forged from the bones of warlords who’d sold their souls in a forgotten age. But He was already wearing it!”

SINISTER catacombs beneath Paris, ranked among of the most haunted places on Earth, were one of 57 places the unholy ritual took place.

Worst of all are the old jokes, repeated ad nauseum.

“The third Old One to come through is known as the Lord of Mirth,” explained Whittenbow. “In ancient times, when He manifested Himself in Persia, He induced fits of laughter in which the entire population of cities cackled joylessly until tears of blood dripped from their eyes and, unable to even eat, they starved to death.

“But to put it frankly, no one appreciates His brand of humor anymore. His routine went over like a lead balloon. No one got His references and when He tried to be topical – with ‘How about that Vladimir Putin?’ stuff — it was even more excruciating. We all clapped politely at first. But after hearing the same stale jokes for the 20th time, you feel like sacrificing yourself on a stone altar.”

H.P. Lovecraft often wrote of the Old Ones in his weird tales.

Tales of the Old Ones have been around since before recorded history, often hinted at obliquely in obscure or banned texts. Early 20th century horror writer H.P. Lovecraft warned of their existence and the notorious occultist Aleister Crowley – known as “the Wickedest Man in the World” — gleefully predicted their imminent return.

THE NECRONOMICON: Bloodcurdling book warns of the unspeakable Old Ones.

OCCULTIST Aleister Crowley was one of many to foresee the Old Ones’ return.

“They have been known by many times in many cultures,” says Dr. Thackens. “From the chaos monster-gods such as Angra Mainyu and the monstrous bird-god Anzu of Mesopotamia in the third millenium B.C., and Asag, a Babylonian ‘gallu’ of hideous strength, to Buer, described as ‘The Great President of Hell’ in the 16th century grimoire Pseudomonarchia Daemonum.”

TERRIFYING Mesopotamian chaos monster-god Anzu may have been one of the Old Ones.

The Celtic deity Ogmios, who seduced humans with words and led them into the underworld with chains through their ears, is also believed to have been one of the Old Ones. And many Bible scholars believe the Nephilim of the Holy Scriptures refer to the terrifying entities.

HIDEOUS demon known as Buer may have been one of the Old Ones.

The incredibly well-coordinated December 31 ritual reportedly took place in 57 places associated with mysticism, devil-worship or the paranormal, including Easter Island where naked cultists sacrificed 13 “volunteers” and pranced in front of the mysterious giant heads called moai. Other locales, according to cult-watchers, include the town of Triora in the ancient hills of Liguria, where witches were burned alive in the 1500s for their horrific rites. Also, temples in a massive cave in the Valley of Valchuisella, in the foothills of the Alps, constructed by an Italian who had seen them in a vision at age 10.

BIZARRE ritual held simultaneously at mystical sites around the world unleashed the demon-gods.

The first Old One made his comeback near Merlin’s Cave in Cornwall, England, a site of mystical rites dating back 8,000 years, long before the Druids. About 500 followers gathered around Witch’s Hill, chanting an ancient spell (whose utterance carries the death penalty in Turkey, Romania and Iraq) in unison with fellow fanatics around the globe. Cult members have been strictly forbidden to speak of what they saw, but several weeks later on January 21, an anonymous eyewitness posted this bone-chilling account on his blog, Demon Talk:

“The scull-shaped hillock, of sinister repute since before the Roman conquest, erupted, like a putrid boil pregnant with corruption suddenly bursting. The explosion created a sinkhole far deeper than the Mariana Trench or any other abyss into which a submariner might venture even in a nightmare. The pit was blindingly radiant in its absolute blackness, a place at once in the center of our Earth and outside our world.

CULTS worshipping the Old Ones date back countless millenia.

“My nostrils were assaulted by a stench more vile than 10,000 open graves, an almost physical force that could split a human psyche as a cleaver slices meat. Then tendrils loathsome as rat tails but fantastically immense emerged. And something colossal began to haul itself out of the pit.

“No words could begin to describe that blasphemous monstrosity. I say only that it had a malignant aura more malignant than malignancy itself. Many went insane as they beheld it, their minds unable to comprehend this gargantuan being that violated every law of physics and warped the space around it. Those of us who’d spent a lifetime steeling our minds for this ‘Medusa effect’ fell prostrate to worship, many weeping or writhing in ecstasy.

Cthoko Ba’al has been known by many names, including Ba’al, Belial and, by Satanists in the 1940s, as Mr. Big.

“P’thantu Rami opened His mouth – if one could rightly call that maw that made a mockery of all that is natural a mouth. But He did not speak, He sang. The sound was rife with the shrieks of 10 million souls consumed in sacrifices over countless centuries, so chaotic Dionysus himself would cover his ears in horror. Yet interlaced with that cacophony was a sweet and seductive melody that instantly commanded the love of all who were present. It actually reminded me of the tunes of Bacharach.”

HAPPY DAYS are here again for followers of ancient cult, who celebrated with orgies.

Within days, two more Old Ones emerged, greeted by fawning worshippers and a marching band. There were celebratory orgies, exuberant desecration of cemeteries, hearty exchanges of high-fives and toasts at Satanist bars in every city. But within a month, the “bloom was off the rose,” as one disappointed British cultist put it. With their non-stop carping and unreasonable demands – complaining that their quarters are too hot, then too cold, then too hot again — the Old Ones have already outworn their welcome.

Although Whitttenbow strenuously denies it, there are rumors that some cultists are meeting in secret dens, seeking a way to send the old ones back through the hellhole from whence they came.

“This is like having an elderly aunt staying in your house,” explained a cult member who asked for anonymity out of fear of destruction. “At first, you’re pleased as punch to see her and learn about the good old days. But when you keep hearing the same old stories again and again, she starts rearranging furniture, criticizing your wife’s cooking and lambasting your teenage daughter for dressing like a ‘tramp,’ well, you can’t wait to give her the heave-ho.”

WIDESPREAD PANIC: The Great Day when all 7 Old Ones have returned will make the Apocalypse look like a Sunday pinic, experts warn.

OUT STAYING her welcome. George Jefferson was happy when his meddling mom visited — and even happier when the she left.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of the unspeakable, the author of this article wrote the novel Hour of the Beast. In the nail-biting first 13 pages, a bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5. It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website.

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The Robospanker is one of the most useful means of disciplining high schoolers available.

By C. Michael Forsyth

MOBILE, Alabama — Attention all nerds! A family values activist is offering a hefty $1 million award to the high school student who invents the best high-tech new spanking machine.

Businessman Carl Bettslinger believes that such a device is needed now more than ever in schools and in homes – and he’s willing to put his money where his mouth is.

“Corporal punishment has been banned in many public schools by misguided liberals, but thank God, we still have it in hundreds of Christian schools around the country,” Bettslinger explains.

“The trouble is it’s hard to deliver consistent blows to make it fair for each student. Some older principals get tired or lose count. And unfortunately many younger principals who’ve been brainwashed by the ‘time out’ crowd are hesitant to paddle. A spanking machine takes out the human element.”

The breakup of families, which Bettslinger describes as a sad byproduct of the feminist movement, has spawned a problem at home as well.

“You have a lot of stepdads who want to perform their duty as head of the household, but feel awkward giving a bare-bottomed spanking to a teenaged step daughter,” says pro-family crusader. “They’d feel more at ease letting a machine carry out the job.”

PRIMITIVE spanking machines, like this German device used to discipline factory workers, have been in use since the 1800s.

A variety of spanking machines have been patented as far back as the 19th century and Bettslinger hails as “a remarkable technical achievement” the Robospanker introduced in 2004. But he believes that a far more sophisticated device is feasible with today’s technology.

“With state-of-the-art computer software on board, the machine could have settings for different striking power based on the severity of the infraction,” Bettslinger enthused. “A 15-year-old girl who sasses a teacher or wears a short skirt that violates the dress code might get a 2 or 3. If she smokes in the bathroom, that might rate a 6.”

The gizmo could also store and recall data on each student and automatically ratchet up the setting for repeat offenses. In addition, stroke speed could be adjusted to hurry things along when multiple students have to be paddled in a short period of time.

The invention competition is open to kids 14 to 18. Bettslinger, who has donated upwards of $3.5 million to family values groups in the past, hopes that the lure of a big reward will inspire high school science wizards around the country to put their thinking caps on.

“They should also be thinking about what a great service they’re doing for their peers at school,” he points out.

“That popular cheerleader may not give ‘four eyes’ the time of day when they pass in the hall. But if he can do something to keep her on the right moral path – for example with an effective chastisement for necking behind the gym –- she will owe him an incredible debt of gratitude.”

The author of this article wrote Hour of the Beast, which grabs you by the jugular in the first few pages and doesn't let go. In Chapter One, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website. There’s a Kindle edition and The Ebook is a measly $5.

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REALLY? No, not really! Primitive Ngadi tribesmen use sarcastic speech and claps to communicate.

C. Michael Forsyth

KUNDIAWA, Papua New Guinea — The Ngadi tribe has not yet invented the wheel, live in crude dwellings in treetops and call airplanes “sky birds” — yet they communicate almost entirely in sophisticated sarcastic banter!

British anthropologist Bernard Hodgequist made the astounding discovery when he encountered the rarely visited people outside their remote jungle village in the highlands.

“I was surrounded by eight warriors who pointed their spears at me in a menacing manner,” he recounted in the February edition of the New Journal of Exploration. “I’d heard stories that they practiced cannibalism and was fearful for my life. In the language of a neighboring tribe who live 250 miles away, I said, ‘Are you going to eat me?’ The leader of the group replied, ‘No, we’re not going to eat you. We’re going to worship you as a god.’

“Surprised, I said, ‘Really?’ The warrior said, ‘Oh yes, we’re going to build a temple for you 100 feet high and we will supply you with 20 virgins. Is that not true, men?’

“Another warrior shook his head and said, ‘No, that’s not true. We can only provide you with 15 virgins and five girls who are not very experienced. Would that be good enough, O Great White One?’ He seemed to be sneering.”

The anthropologist was roughly escorted to the primitive village where, to his relief, the chief spared his life. As they sat around the fire, he was served a bowl of ground grubs for supper.

“I took a whiff of it and asked the chief politely if they had anything else,” Hodgequist recalled. “He told me, ‘Yes, we have some smoked salmon in the back. Would you like some?’ ”

“I realized he was having a bit of fun with me and it’s then that it dawned on me that I’d stumbled onto something quite extraordinary.”

THICK jungle of Papua New Guinea’s highlands is home to many primitive tribes.

Linguists who’ve since analyzed more than 1,000 hours of recordings of the Ngadi talking with each other have confirmed that at least 75 percent of what they say is sarcastic. The trait is evident even in non-verbal speech; the sarcastic clap is their most common hand gesture.

“It’s extraordinary. In virtually every other way, their civilization is at the Stone Age level, but their sense of irony is extraordinarily developed,” notes Dr. Anne Kipling-Westcott of the London Institute for Linguistics and Translation. “The reply to a question such as, ‘Should we build a fire’ might be ‘No, I think we should wait here for lightning to strike.’ ”

The expert calls the peculiar adaptation analogous to the ancient Macedonian dialect in which every question was answered with a question (known as reflexive interrogative speech).

VANISHED: Did explorer Phillip Stanley teach sarcasm to the Ngadi before winding up as dinner?

How the Ngadi developed their unique form of communication remains a mystery. The British explorer Phillip Stanley – grandnephew of the famous African explorer – vanished in the region in the early 1930s, and one researcher speculates that he introduced to the tribe the brand of biting wit for which he was well known. But there is no evidence the adventurer ever crossed the Ramu River into Ngadi territory.

Hodgequist says his two-month stay among the sardonic tribesmen often felt surreal.

“One would be sitting on a rock helping to dip arrowheads in poison and a pair of women in loincloths with baskets on their heads would sashay by, making snarky comments about their peers like American teenagers at a mall,” he writes in the article.

“The chief had the most devastating wit of them all. It was as if you were with a half-naked Oscar Wilde with a bone through his nose.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the shocking and controversial first 13 pages, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5. It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website.

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MIRACULOUS: Icelandic authorities rescued missing scientist.

By C. Michael Forsyth

REYKJAVIK, Iceland — Seven years after she vanished without a trace, a female anthropologist emerged from a mysterious cave where authorities believe she may have been held hostage by real-life elves!

Danish researcher Kalena Søndergaard was stark naked, covered by dust and babbling incoherently when rescuers found her outside a tiny opening in the famous Elf Rock, traditionally believed to house the underground dwelling place of mankind’s tiny cousins.

“She was crouching like an animal and spoke only in a language unrelated to any we know,” said Armor Guðjohnsen of the National Rescue Service, which airlifted the 31-year-old survivor to a hospital by helicopter.

“The only word we could understand was ‘alfur,’ an old Icelandic word for elves. On her back were strange tattoos similar to those markings Viking explorers found on rock formations when they settled Iceland in 874, traditionally known as ‘elf writing.’ ”

ELUSIVE, small humanoids live beneath Iceland, a majority of citizens believe. And now scientists believe they may be right!

Kalena, who was seeking proof of the existence of elves, was reported missing in January of 2006. At the time, police suspected she was the victim of foul play, but an intensive search failed to turn up any remains. On Feb. 4, 2013, hikers spotted the scientist crawling on all fours on a ledge high on the rocky hill, moving “more like an ape than a human being,” one of the hikers told a newspaper.

MYSTERY: Beautiful Danish anthropologist Kalena Søndergaard was missing since 2006 and presumed dead.

Belief in elves is widespread in the frigid island nation. One poll shows that 70 % of inhabitants believe they share the country with the pint-size underground race they call the Huldufolk or “hidden people.”

“The hidden people live in the underworld right beneath the ground in rocks and hills,” according to Haukur Ingi Jónasson, a leading Icelandic theologian and psychoanalyst.

UNEXPLAINED: Iceland’s government protects reputed elf dwellings like this one.

The government takes age-old legends about elves so seriously that roads are built around rocks formations associated with the creatures. Factories cannot be constructed until government experts certify there are no underground elf dwellings at the site.

Dr. Niels Kristiansen was one of Kalena’s colleagues of at the University of Copenhagen in Denmark and says the anthropologist wrote her doctoral thesis on elf folklore.

“Until recently most experts assumed that stories about elves in Iceland were merely fairytales,” reveals Dr. Kristiansen. “But the discovery in 2003 of the so-called Hobbit in Liang Bua cave on the remote Indonesian island of Flores confirmed that a race of diminutive humanoids lived there as recently as 12,000 years ago.

STUNNING 2003 discovery of the Hobbit on a remote island raised scientific speculation that Iceland’s elves also exist.

“Had it not been for a volcanic eruption those close relatives of homo sapiens might have survived up to the present day. Since no such catastrophe occurred in Iceland, it’s a reasonable hypothesis that this species of tiny humanoids existed on the island at the time of the Vikings. Certainly this aboriginal race would have had a good reason to take refuge underground to hide from the fierce warriors.

“Kalena was excited about the possibility that Elves exist. That’s why she went to Iceland in 2005 to pursue her investigation.”

A logical starting point was the enormous hill Alfarkirkjan, known as Elf Rock. Located in the Sælingsdalur Valley, it has remained unchanged since the Ice Age. The mysterious rock, sometimes called the Cathedral of the Elves, has been the site of elf sightings for centuries and many psychics claim to have communicated telepathically with the beings who live deep in its bowels.

OMINOUS Elf Rock has been the site of encounters with the “hidden people” for more than 1,000 years.

According to one folktale, a pair of brothers had a close encounter with the hidden people. The younger brother Sveinn often disappeared for days without explanation and was rumored to have learned to talk with Elves. One night, his brother Arnór went to Elf Rock in search of him. To his amazement, a secret opening in the hill appeared and Arnór saw Sveinn surrounded by knee-high, pointy-eared men who were about to initiate the mesmerized youth in a bizarre ritual. Arnór convinced his brother to escape with him. Furious at having been denied their prize, the elves chased the brothers and almost killed them.

Generally, elves rarely attack humans unless provoked. However, there are many Icelandic folktales about the Huldufolk invading farmhouses for food during the rough winters. Why they would have taken the attractive young scientist prisoner remains a mystery.

“Kalena may have stumbled onto an entryway to their kingdom,” Dr. Kristiansen speculates. “That act of trespass may have angered the hidden people and perhaps they took her captive so she couldn’t reveal their secret doorway to other outsiders.”

DISORIENTED: Missing anthroplogist Kalena “babbled incoherently” when rescued.

Though found without a stitch of clothing, the bedraggled woman did not appear to have been sexually abused. But authorities have not ruled out the possibility that she had voluntary relations with her captors.

“Elves reputedly have an interest in human females and are known to use mind control to seduce them,” observes folklore expert Eva Bryndísarson.

HEROES: Iceland’s elite rescue team whisked traumatized scientist back to civilization.

Tradition holds that elves use magic for either good or ill. They can establish a psychic link with humans, although people who engage in such contact run the risk of becoming insane. That might explain why the brainy Ph.D’s mind is scrambled.

“Kalena’s brain is Swiss cheese now. She has been through a terrible ordeal,” says Dr. Kristiansen. “We are hopeful that she will someday be able to provide a lucid account of what happened.”

While scientists are eager to enter the crevice through which the anthropologist miraculously escaped, that may not happen for years — if ever.

“The government of Iceland is very protective of elf-related sites,” notes Dr. Kristiansen. “It’s doubtful they would allow an expedition into this secret underworld.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The author of this article wrote the blood-curdling horror novel Hour of the Beast, considered by many the best werewolf story since The Howling. In the shocking and controversial first 13 pages, a young bride is raped by a werewolf on her wedding night. After that, things start to get out of hand.

To check out Hour of the Beast and hear Chapter One read FREE click HERE! The Ebook is a measly $5. It’s available on Amazon.com, but you can save $4 by ordering it on the website.