Author Archive

No More Mr. Nice Guy! “AXE GIANT: THE WRATH OF PAUL BUNYAN” Chops Away at Tall Tale.   Leave a comment

Beloved figure from America's tall tales has a mean streak in horror flick.

Beloved figure from America’s tall tales has a mean streak in horror flick.

By C. Michael Forsyth

The title of Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan is so spit-out-your-drink funny that when I heard about it, I couldn’t wait to watch what sounded like a horror movie so bad it’s good. Sure enough, the opening scene, set in a logging camp in 1846, is one of the worst ever committed to celluloid. The costumes wouldn’t pass muster in a porn film. Bunyan, attacking the loggers, shows up in what looks like a Halloween mask from a Wal-Mart discount bin and he’s conspicuously smaller than Dan Haggerty as the foreman. Haggerty doesn’t exactly add gravitas to the film. You’re only surprised that he’s still alive and that the dough he raked in from the 1972-74 TV series The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams took so long to run out, he wasn’t forced to resort to a grade Z flick like this before.

But hang on–this is no hatchet job. Despite the 2-star rating it roundly received, the movie turns out to have some good thrills, a dose of humor and enough gore to please any horror fan. I’d categorize it as a guilty pleasure rather than the heap of amateurish garbage the first scene suggests.

UNLUCKY hiker finds out the hard way that Paul Bunyan really exists.

UNLUCKY hiker finds out the hard way that Paul Bunyan really exists.

More than a century and a half after Bunyan’s bloody rampage, a group of young first-time criminal offenders are escorted into the woods as part of a boot camp. When they make the mistake of messing with the bones of Bunyan’s beloved Babe the Blue Ox, the 20-foot lumberjack takes his revenge. He’s not, as it turns out, the cheerful, gentle giant of America’s tall tales, but a dimwitted, deformed, troll-like monster. If you’ve seen your share of horror flicks, you won’t have trouble sorting out which of the youths will die and in what order. You’ve got your slut, your athletic guy, the black nerd, the virgin, etc. But the parts are quite well played and Thomas Downey is hilarious as the over-the-top-tough Sgt. Hokes, the corrections officer in charge of the ill-fated party.

"WHAT, ME WORRY?" Slutty Trish (Jill Evyn) has her next date with the business end of Bunyan's axe.

“WHAT, ME WORRY?” Slutty Trish (Jill Evyn) has her next date with the business end of Bunyan’s axe.

The monster effects, though hardly state of the art, are effective, whisking me back to those delightfully scary, unreal-yet-real Ray Harryhausen stop-motion creatures I saw as a kid.

The goofy premise of the movie got me wondering about what other American folklore heroes could be rebooted as horror movie villains. John Henry swung a mean sledgehammer and his spirit has plenty of cause to be angry at greedy railroad magnates. I can see him as a Candyman-type, vengeful wraith wreaking havoc on passengers trapped on a runaway train. “BEWARE OF JOHN HENRY: He doesn’t like trains. He doesn’t like trains at all.” Or Johnny Appleseed protecting his groves by any means necessary. The tagline: “Don’t Mess with His Apples.”

ALSO FROM THE AUTHOR OF THIS REVIEW:

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance  in new book.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.

Check out the novel HERE.

THE WEEK FROM HELL IS HERE: 9 Days of Tragedy and Disaster!   Leave a comment

DAY OF TERROR: Cowardly fanatics unleashed death and mayhem at the Boston Marathon last April

DAY OF TERROR: Cowardly fanatics unleashed death and mayhem at the Boston Marathon last April.

Spirit of Bostonians could not be broken as many heroes showed by rushing to the aid of the injured.

Spirit of Bostonians could not be broken as many heroes showed by rushing to the aid of the injured.

By C. Michael Forsyth

Brace yourself! The Week From Hell has rolled around again: Nine days that have been plagued by disaster and tragedy over the course of many centuries. Last year on April 15, 2013, the Boston Marathon was cut short when two pressure-cooker bombs exploded killing three people and injuring an estimated 264 others. But that was only the latest in a string of heartbreaking catastrophes. Here are just a few of the past tragedies that have befallen the world between April 12 and April 20:

April 12: U.S. Civil War begins
April 13: Apollo 13 disaster
April 14: Lincoln Shot
April 15: Titanic Sinks
April 16: Virginia Tech Massacre
April 17: Russian troops slaughter gold mine workers
April 18: San Francisco Earthquake
April 19: Oklahoma City Bombing, Bay of Pigs, Waco tragedy.
April 20: Columbine High School Massacre

Until last year I treated this with a certain amount of gallows humor. Now I’m just praying that people around the world are spared from harm–while my family and I take shelter till the disaster-prone time frame blows over. The Titanic and the other incidents above are just the “tip of the iceberg.” Here, drawn mostly from Wikipedia, is the full list:

BROTHER vs. BROTHER: The Civil War ripped America in two.

BROTHER vs. BROTHER: The Civil War ripped America in two.

APRIL 12

• 1861 – The U.S. Civil War begins when Confederate forces fire on Fort Sumter, in the harbor of Charleston, South Carolina.
• 1864 –The Fort Pillow massacre: Confederate forces murder most of the African American soldiers who surrendered at Fort Pillow, Tennessee.
• 1945 – U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt dies in office.
• 1968 – Nerve gas accident at Skull Valley, Utah.
• 1970 – Soviet submarine K-8, carrying four nuclear torpedoes, sinks in the Bay of Biscay four days after a fire on board.
• 2002 – A female suicide bomber blows herself up at the entrance to Jerusalem’s Mahane Yehuda market, killing 7 and wounding 104.
• 2007 – A suicide bomber penetrates the Green Zone and detonates in a cafeteria inside the parliament building, killing Iraqi MP Mohammed Awad and wounding more than 20 other people.
• 2010 – A train derails near Merano, Italy, after running into a landslide, causing nine deaths and injuring 28 people.

UNLUCKY NUMBER: Astronaut James Lovell was lost in space aboard Apollo 13.

UNLUCKY NUMBER: Astronaut James Lovell was lost in space aboard Apollo 13.



APRIL 13

• 1945 – German troops butcher more than 1,000 political and military prisoners in Gardelegen, Germany.
• 1948 – The Hadassah medical convoy massacre: In an ambush, 79 Jewish doctors, nurses and medical students from Hadassah Hospital and a British soldier are slaughtered by Arabs in Sheikh Jarra near Jerusalem.
• 1953 – CIA director Allen Dulles launches the sinister mind-control program MKULTRA.
• 1970 – An oxygen tank aboard Apollo 13 explodes while en route to the Moon, stranding the crew in space.
• 1975 – Bus massacre in Lebanon: Attack by the Phalangist resistance kills 26 militia members of the P.F.L. of Palestine, marking the start of the 15-year Lebanese Civil War.
• 1992 – The Great Chicago Flood. Damaged wall of a utility tunnel beneath the Chicago River opens into a breach that floods basements with an estimated 250 million gallons of water.

NATIONAL TRAGEDY: John Wilkes Booth ruins the Lincolns' night at the theater.

ASSASSIN John Wilkes Booth ruins the Lincolns’ night at the theater.


APRIL 14

* 1846 – The Donner Party expedition sets out from Springfield, Illinois for California. After being trapped by heavy snow, nearly half of the 87 pioneers die, many eaten by their starving companions.
* 1865 – U.S. President Abraham Lincoln is assassinated in Ford’s Theatre by John Wilkes Booth.
• 1909 – Adana Massacre is launched by Turkey’s Ottoman Empire against Armenian civilians. Between 15,000–30,000 people are killed.
• 1944 – A massive explosion in India’s Bombay harbor kills 800.
• 1986 – President Ronald Reagan orders major bombing raids against Libya, killing 60 people including an infant girl, reportedly Colonel Gaddafi’s daughter.
• 1986 – Massive 2.2 pound hailstones fall on the Gopalganj district of Bangladesh, killing 92. These are the heaviest hailstones ever recorded.
• 1988 – The USS Samuel B. Roberts strikes a mine in the Persian Gulf.
• 1994 – In northern Iraq, two U.S. Air Force fighters mistakenly shoot down two U.S. Army helicopters, killing 26 people.
• 1999 – NATO mistakenly bombs a convoy of ethnic Albanian refugees. Yugoslav officials say 75 people are killed.
• 1999 – A severe hailstorm strikes Sydney, Australia causing $2.3 billion in insured damages, the most costly natural disaster in Australian history.
• 2010 – Nearly 2,700 are killed in a magnitude 6.9 earthquake in Yushu, Qinghai, China.

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE: A century after the disaster, the sinking of the Titantic remains a night to remember.

NEARER MY GOD TO THEE: A century after the disaster, the sinking of the Titantic remains a night to remember.

APRIL 15

• 1715 – The Pocotaligo Massacre triggers the start of the Yamasee War in colonial South Carolina. In the first year of the war, the Yamasee Indians lose about a quarter of their population, either killed or enslaved.
• 1912 – The RMS Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic at 2:20 a.m., two and a half hours after hitting an iceberg. 1,517 people are killed.
• 1941 – In the Belfast Blitz, the German Air Force (Luftwaffe) bombs Belfast, Northern Ireland, killing 1,000 people.
• 1969 – North Korea shoots down a United States Navy aircraft over the Sea of Japan, killing all 31 on board.
• 1970 – During the Cambodian Civil War, massacres of the Vietnamese minority results in 800 bodies flowing down the Mekong River into South Vietnam.
• 1979 – A disastrous 7.1 earthquake occurs on Montenegro coast.
• 1989 – British soccer fans crush together at Liverpool’s Hillsborough Stadium in the FA Cup Semi Final, causing 96 deaths.
• 1989 – The Tiananmen Square protests of 1989 begin in the People’s Republic of China. Thousands are massacred by Communist troops.
• 2002 – Air China Flight CA129 crashes into a hillside during heavy rain and fog near Busan, South Korea, killing 128.
* 2013 — An estimated 264 runners and spectators are injured and 3 are killed when a pair of young terrorists detonate bombs at the Boston Marathon.

CRAZED student went on killing spree at Virginia Tech.

CRAZED student went on killing spree at Virginia Tech.

APRIL 16

• 73 A.D. – Roman legions crush the Jewish revolt at Masada after months of seige. Hundreds of Israelites commit suicide rather than be taken as slaves.
• 1945 – About 7,000 civilians and wounded soldiers perish when the German refugee ship Goya is sunk by a Soviet submarine torpedo, marking one of the worst tragedies in maritime history.
• 1947 – Texas City Disaster: An explosion on board a freighter in port causes the city of Texas City, Texas, to catch fire, killing almost 600.
• 1990 – “Doctor Death” Jack Kevorkian carries out his first assisted suicide.
• 1992 – The Katina P. runs aground off of Maputo, Mozambique and 60,000 tons of crude oil spill into the ocean.
• 2007 – Virginia Tech massacre: The deadliest spree killing in modern American history. Seung-Hui Cho kills 32 and injures 23 before committing suicide.

THE KILLING FIELDS: Millions were slaughtered by Cambodia's Khmer Rouge fanatics.

THE KILLING FIELDS: Millions were slaughtered by Cambodia’s Khmer Rouge fanatics.



APRIL 17

• 1912 – Russian troops open fire on striking goldfield workers in northeast Siberia, killing at least 150.
• 1941 – Germany conquers Yugoslavia.
• 1975: Khmer Rouge forces take over Cambodia. About 1.7 million people are slaughtered by this tyrannical regime, most dumped in the infamous mass graves known as The Killing Fields.
• 2006 – Sami Hammad, a Palestinian suicide bomber, detonates an explosive device in Tel Aviv, killing 11 people and injuring 70.

MASSIVE earthquake laid San Fransico to waste.

MASSIVE earthquake laid waste to San Fransico.

APRIL 18

*1880 — A powerful tornado rips through Marshfield, Missouri, leaving 99 people dead and 100 injured.
• 1897 – The Greco-Turkish War is declared between Greece and the Ottoman Empire. About 8,000 die in the brief but bloody conflict also known as The 30 Day War.
• 1902 – Quetzaltenango, the second largest city of Guatemala, is destroyed by an earthquake, killing about 900 people.
• 1906 – San Francisco earthquake destroys much of city. Death toll of 700 is often cited but experts believe as many as 2,800 may have perished in quake and resulting fires.
*1942 – U.S. planes bomb Tokyo in the Doolittle Raid as revenge for Pearl Harbor, killing 50. All the aircraft are shot down and 11 crewmen are killed or captured. After Chinese civilians help other aviators escape, Japanese massacre 250,000 of them retaliation.
• 1983 – A suicide bomber destroys the United States embassy in Beirut, Lebanon, murdering 63 people.
• 1996 – Israeli army shells the U.N. compound at Quana, Lebanon, blowing to smithereens at least 100 civilian refugees who’d taken refuge there.
• 2007 – A series of bombings wreak havoc in Baghdad, killing 198 and injuring 251.

UP IN FLAMES: The seige of a cult compound in Waco, Texas, ended in tragedy.

UP IN FLAMES: The seige of a cult compound in Waco, Texas, ended in tragedy.



APRIL 19

• 1943 – German troops crush the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising. An estimated 13,000 Jews are killed, about half of those burned alive or killed by smoke inhalation. Of the 50,000 survivors, most are shipped to extermination camps.
• 1943 – Swiss chemist Dr. Albert Hofmann deliberately takes LSD for the first time, introducing the drug that will destroy thousands of minds.
• 1961 – The Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba ends in a fiasco for the U.S., in which most of the 1,500 C.I.A.-trained invaders are captured or killed.
• 1989 – A gun turret explodes aboard the USS Iowa, killing 47 sailors.
• 1993 – The 51-day siege of the Branch Davidian compound outside Waco, Texas ends when a fire breaks out. Eighty-one people die, including 20 children and two pregnant women.
• 1993 – South Dakota governor George Mickelson and seven others are killed when their plane crashes in Iowa.
• 1995 – Oklahoma City bombing: Timothy McVeigh blows up the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, killing 168.
• 1997 – The Red River Flood of 1997 overwhelms region from North Dakota to Minnesota, inflicting $3.5 billion in damage.

EVIL punks massacred classmates in cafeteria of Columbine High School.

EVIL punks massacred classmates in cafeteria of Columbine High School.



APRIL 20

• 1792 – France declares war on Austria, the beginning of French Revolutionary Wars in which tens of thousands die.
• 1889 – Nazi madman Adolf Hitler is born. He launches World War 2 in which over 60 million people are killed.
* 1914 – In the heat of a Colorado miners’ strike, coal company goons and the Colorado National Guard gun down nearly two dozen people including 11 innocent children in the Ludlow Massacre.
• 1999 – Columbine High School massacre: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold fatally shoot 13 people and injure 24 others before committing suicide in Jefferson County, Colorado.
• 2010 – The Deepwater Horizon oil well explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, killing twelve workers and causing the BP oil spill which lasts six months.

ON A HAPPIER NOTE:

The book trailer for my novel The Blood of Titans if finally complete and up on YouTube.

The author of this article also wrote The Blood of Titans, a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa, available on Amazon.com and Smashwords.

The author of this article also wrote The Blood of Titans, a story of love and adventure set in the golden age of Africa, available on Amazon.com and Smashwords.

Check out The Blood of Titans HERE.

And my newest novel Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in the Adventure of the Spook House is getting rave reviews. Check in out HERE.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance  in new book.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.

Scientists Pinpoint “Hole” Through Which Noah’s Ark 2 Entered Our Universe   Leave a comment

DEAD RINGER for Ark found frozen in Antarctic ice 3 years ago.

DEAD RINGER for Ark found frozen in Antarctic ice 3 years ago.

By C. Michael Forsyth

CANBERRA, Australia–Just 30 kilometers from the spot where the mysterious wooden vessel dubbed “Noah’s Ark 2” was found frozen in Antarctic ice in 2011, researchers have detected low levels of radiation emanating from what could be a hole in the wall between our universe and a parallel one!

The discovery bolsters the theory that the Ark-like ship—which was found with the entire crew and all the animals frozen stiff—somehow floated into our world from one of many others in a “multiverse.”

The faint signal was picked up on January 3 by scientists aboard the Australian icebreaker the Ned Kelly, one of several that were racing to rescue the stranded Russian research ship the Akademik Shokalski, which was stuck in ice. The scientist turned over the puzzling data over to university physicists who analyzed it with the aid of computers.

“The radiation is closely related to terminal gamma ray flashes from an evaporating black hole,” revealed physicist Dr. Peter Jolloway. “It is something you’d expect to detect in deep space—not 450 feet below the ice on Earth. This is absolutely stunning. You either have to believe that there is or was a black hole in Antarctica or you have to accept the possibility that there is a breach in the wall separating our universe from a sister universe.”

The Ark, which closely matches biblical descriptions found in the book of Genesis, was found in the Wendell Sea after a section of the Larsen C ice shelf collapsed. This earthshaking news was suppressed by numerous governments to avoid widespread social upheaval and both Bible scholars and scientists were baffled. It was Dr. Jeremy Blinkley who first proposed that the ark hailed from another universe, one in which both mankind and most non-aquatic animal species became extinct. Support for that theory arose last year when a study of the mitochondrial DNA of tissue extracted from animals aboard Noah’s Ark 2 revealed they all shared a mutation not found on any species on this version of Earth.

RUSSELL Crowe as Noah in the new hit movie.

RUSSELL Crowe as Noah in the new hit movie.


At the time, Dr. Blinkley declared that the results made the discovery of the so-called God Particle “look like a second grade science project.” But the latest development makes that pale in significance, he now asserts.

“This suggests that at this unique location there is a permeable membrane between our universe and another among the infinite number in the multiverse,” the expert told a science reporter. “We may at some point in the future be able to send a probe through it or perhaps one day even a manned mission.”

ALSO FROM THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE: The new thriller Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of The Spook House. LISTEN to an excerpt free.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance  in new book.

Houdini and Conan Doyle investigate a bizarre disappearance in new book.

Irish Actor Dragged off to Nut House After Thanking “The Little People.”   Leave a comment

TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU! This isn't the kind of little person well known actor meant.

C. Michael Forsyth

LONDON – Just moments after Irish actor Dennis O’Cullen thanked “all the little people” at an awards ceremony, he was hustled off the stage by men in white coats and whisked away to a loony bin!

Now, after spending four months in the Peaceful Gardens Sanitarium, the 67-year-old star is suing both his manager and two doctors for having him involuntarily committed.

“Obviously, I was talking about the peons who work behind the scenes, like the makeup girl and the fellow who points the spotlight, as anyone but those dolts would realize,” he told a London paper.

“I haven’t believed in leprechauns since I was 15. And as anyone who has set foot in my native Ireland can tell you, we call them ‘wee folk’ not ‘little people.’ ”

Although not well known to audiences in America, where he’s made only four films, O’Cullen is a respected stage actor in Britain, where he was once hailed as the “Irish Olivier.”

ACCLAIMED actor Dennis O'Cullen first appeared as "King Lear" in this 1996 PBS presentation, but last year's Best Actor trophy was his first major award for the role.

The incident occurred at the prestigious Christopher Marlowe Awards, after O’Cullen was handed a Best Actor statuette for his starring role in King Lear.

“O’Cullen was aglow because he’d been nominated many times before and hadn’t won,” said a reporter who was covering the star-studded show. “About 30 seconds into his acceptance speech he made the “little people” remark and he was suddenly gang-tackled by four burly men in hospital uniforms. He appeared to be quite taken aback.”

The Shakespearean actor’s manager Edwin “Reggie” Baronsett has apologized profusely for the misunderstanding. However, he insists that having two doctors and several staffers from the mental health facility on hand seemed prudent under the circumstances.

“Let’s not forget that just three years ago at another awards ceremony, Mr. O’Cullen became unhinged after losing for a fifth year in a row to Kenneth Branagh. He went after the presenter Dame Judy Dench with a wooden sword — all the while limping like Richard III,” he points out. “We simply wanted to spare my client another embarrassing spectacle like that.”

O’Cullen has refused to accept the apology.

“Receiving that award should have been the crowning moment of my career,” he declares. “Instead I was made a national laughingstock and was deprived of four months of liberty.”

BELIEF in leprechauns, shown in this scene from the Disney classic "Darby O'Gill and the Little People," still remains strong in Ireland today.

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

ALSO FROM THE WRITER OF THIS ARTICLE…

In a new novel by the author of this article, the creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world's most famous escape artist probe a paranormal mystery.

In a new novel by the author of this article, the creator of Sherlock Holmes and the world’s most famous escape artist probe a paranormal mystery.

Arthur Conan Doyle & Houdini Solve Paranormal Mystery in Novel   3 comments

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My latest novel has just been published! In Sir Arthur Conan Doyle & Harry Houdini in The Adventure of the Spook House, the two extraordinary men team up to solve a paranormal mystery.

A brief synopsis:

The year is 1922. A respected judge inexplicably vanishes in a decrepit mansion and two of the world’s most remarkable men are summoned to investigate: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of Sherlock Holmes, and Harry Houdini, the world’s greatest escape artist.

Aided by a beautiful young psychic, the unlikely partners probe a mystery that becomes murkier and more perilous at every turn and brings them face to face with evil incarnate. To solve the riddle of The Spook House—and to survive its dangers—they must call upon all of their extraordinary mental and physical powers. The story draws upon the real-life friendship of Conan Doyle and Houdini, two vastly different men brought together by their fascination with the paranormal.

The book’s getting a great response. And folks from the many Sherlock Holmes societies and other fans of Conan Doyle are chafing at the bit to read it. Here’s what the first reviewer said:

“The Adventure of the Spook House is an exciting mystery full of twists, hair-breadth escapes and feats of derring-do. The author brings Conan Doyle and Houdini back to life as fully fleshed out characters who make splendid heroes. Thanks to Forsyth’s exhaustive research, the reader truly feels immersed in the 1920s. The novel captures the obsession with the supernatural that Conan Doyle shared with his friends like H.P. Lovecraft and my own great grand uncle Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula.”
—Dacre C. Stoker, co author Dracula the Un-Dead, Bram Stoker’s Lost Journal

I came up with the idea after stumbling across the intriguing fact that the two legendary figures were friends—and later bitter enemies—in real life. Writing the book took over a year of research, as I tried to capture the personalities of each historical figure as well as, of course, get the details about them and the time period right. I pored over their autobiographies, books on how Houdini managed his escapes and a huge volume of the more than 1,500 letters written by Conan Doyle’s letters. It really helped me to get a handle on how the author of the Sherlock Holmes stories thought and spoke.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, left, and Harry Houdini, were friends--and later enemies.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, left, and Harry Houdini, were friends–and later enemies.

I learned that each man was, in his own right, brilliant and remarkably athletic—perfectly suited for an adventure of this type. I would be hard pressed to think of a real-life writer and an entertainer who would make better heroes.

The official release date of the book is March 24, 2014 but advance copies of the paperback and Kindle editions are already available at Amazon.com. You can find all other eBook formats, including Nook, at Smashwords.com

Going Old School: “The Call of Cthulhu” Makes One Creepy Film.   Leave a comment

EERIENESS pervades the movie The Call of Cthulhu.

EERIENESS pervades the movie The Call of Cthulhu.

OLD SCHOOL: 2005 Film version of H.P. Lovecraft's masterpiece was produced as a silent film.

OLD SCHOOL: 2005 Film version of H.P. Lovecraft’s masterpiece was produced as a silent film.

*****

By. C. Michael Forsyth

Lately I’ve been re-reading H.P. Lovecraft’s stories for the first time in since high school and joyfully rediscovering his unique vision.

During his lifetime, Lovecraft’s work was ignored by critics and relegated to pulp fiction magazines like Weird Tales that paid him a pittance. Now, of course, he’s regarded as a giant of the horror genre. Some readers still find his florid style over the top. But what might be dismissed as overwrought prose is more correctly read as poetry. His phrases like “a blasphemous monstrosity,” are like Milton’s description of Hell as “darkness visible.” They make no literal sense but are powerfully evocative.

H.P. Lovecraft's genius went unrecognized during his lifetime.

H.P. Lovecraft’s genius went unrecognized during his lifetime.

Such language fits the theme that permeates his work: An otherworldly horror that defies reason. Almost all of Lovecraft’s stories are rooted in the same cosmology, grasping at it from different angles: Before the dawn of history, Earth was ruled by the Old Ones, monstrous god-like beings that have been banished from our world, but ever wait on its edge, seeking to gain entry.

When I stumbled across a 2005 film adaptation of Lovecraft’s masterpiece The Call of Cthulhu on Netflix, I eagerly added it to my queue, wondering how could one possibly translate that story to the screen.

The tale is about a sinister worldwide cult devoted to an Old One named Cthulhu. The main character Francis Thurston recounts his discovery of notes left behind by his great-uncle, a college professor who investigated the cult, piecing together a puzzle whose pieces are spread across oceans and decades, including the bizarre dreams of a young artist, wild rituals in the swamps outside New Orleans, Eskimo idol-worshippers and an ill-fated sea voyage.

The structure of the story is mind-bendingly complex: A frame story within a frame story within a frame story; told through a series of vignettes visited in flashback, which, as each layer is added, builds collectively to a monumental horror.

Director Andrew Leman, a founding member of the H. P. Lovecraft Historical Society, recognized that a traditional approach was doomed to failure, and so took a bold gamble: His 47-minute short feature is silent and black and white, scored and acted exactly as if it had been produced in 1926 when the story was written.The director perfectly replicates the look of German expressionistic films of that time, like The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, giving the movie a creepy and otherworldly feel. The dream sequences in particular are clearly a loving tribute to those films.

DREAM sequence in movie was inspired by silent-era German expressionist films

DREAM sequence in movie was inspired by silent-era German expressionist films

It’s ambitious and in the sense that the filmmaker achieved exactly what he intended, a remarkable tour de force. But because the movie is a slavishly literal translation of the written work — including that clunky non-lineal story structure — it doesn’t completely succeed as a film. It’s certainly not scary at all. I’m not sure that viewers who are unfamiliar with Lovecraft or silent movies would appreciate the film. Indeed, they might interpret the minimalist sets and stylized acting (particularly the fight scenes) as signs of ineptitude and, quite unfairly, put it in the same category as Plan Nine From Outer Space.

Is there any way you could adapt the story into a traditional Hollywood film without completely bastardizing it? One would have to get rid of the frame story and make the great-uncle the main character. The vignettes might perhaps be simultaneous storylines that converge. And Johansen, the seaman who ultimately takes on Cthulhu face to face, would have to be a central, heroic character rather than a minor one.

GIBBERING cult member named Castro gleefully tells all about his evil sect.

GIBBERING cult member named Castro gleefully tells all about his evil sect.


The big rate-limiting factor is that when Cthulhu finally rears his ugly head, it’s hard for him to look like anything but a B-movie monster. For it to work, you’d have to create a special effect like none we’ve ever seen before, something that makes us feel that we are looking into the face of a truly unearthly and incomprehensible horror.

While we’re waiting for someone to figure out exactly how to do that, do check out this highly creative and unorthodox film.

BTW, I couldn’t resist having a bit of fun at Mr. Lovecraft’s expense in this bizarre story.

MORE from the author of this article…

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

Werewolves Using Moon Ray Tanning Beds to Get All-Over Fur   Leave a comment

HIGH-INTENSITY lights in new beds simulate lunar rays.

HIGH-INTENSITY lights in new beds simulate lunar rays.

Embarrassed by uneven patches of fur, many female werewolves are now using “moon ray” tanning beds to achieve an all-over coat of hair. The high-tech gizmos simulate lunar rays and bombard the nude user from all sides, ensuring that hair sprouts evenly.

“Our clients are thrilled,” said Celeste Kiflinger, whose Spectral Salon is one of six specialty spas in Los Angeles area where the beds are available. “They feel much more confident romping at night with a full, lustrous coat.”

Typically, lycanthropes are exposed to the full moon when fully dressed, and exposed tissue on the face, neck and arms gets a higher dose. A bare midriff or skin below the knees when a woman is in a skirt may also receive more lunar rays, causing greater hair growth.

EVERY female werewolf longs to have lush, evenly distributed hair like North Korea's famed Wolf Girl, believed to suffer from hypertrichosis.

EVERY female werewolf longs to have lush, evenly distributed hair like North Korea’s famed Wolf Girl, believed to suffer from hypertrichosis.

“It’s like watering some parts of a lawn more than others; the grass of course grows higher in those spots,” explained Kiflinger. “When the werewolf’s clothes finally rip away, you get that ‘crazy fur’ look, with wild overgrowth on one part of the body and bare patches on another. Males typically aren’t that bothered by it, but our mostly female clientele find it embarrassing.”

Technically, a moon ray is simply a beam of sunlight that has bounced off the moon. How its properties are altered by that reflection — which takes just microseconds — is a mystery science has not yet solved.

“We are only now discovering the many ways that the moon affects life on Earth,” noted an expert. “For centuries astronomers have known that its gravitational pull is responsible for tides and we’re all familiar with those studies that show criminal behavior increases during the full moon. How precisely it triggers lycanthropic transmutation remains a riddle.”

HIGH TECH moon ray beds resemble ordinary tanning beds.

HIGH TECH moon ray beds resemble ordinary tanning beds.

The tanning beds are modified versions of those used by ordinary folks across the nation in salons and in their homes. A 30-minute session typically runs around $88.

“I am so satisfied with the treatments,” said Kelly R., a 35-year-old office worker who asked that her last name be kept confidential. “Before, loping through the park at night, I tended to stay in the shadows because my fur was so unsightly and I was ashamed of my appearance. Now I feel a lot better about myself when it’s ‘that time of the month.’”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

SPEAKING OF WEREWOLVES …

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

Meet the REAL Jesus Freaks: When Faith Healing Goes Wrong   Leave a comment

FLORDIA stripper now sports DD breasts on her back thanks to a morally flawed faith healer.

FLORDIA stripper now sports DD breasts on her back thanks to a morally flawed faith healer.

FAITH HEALING FAIL: A prayer to cure baldness worked all too well on this South Carolina man

FAITH HEALING FAIL: A prayer to cure baldness worked all too well on this South Carolina man

By C. Michael Forsyth

If your faith healer is poorly trained or sinful, the session can backfire, leaving you worse off than before — or even a miserable freak! That’s the sobering warning of a top expert who has compiled 74 cases of faith healing gone awry.

“The power of the Almighty is like a laser scalpel,” explains the Reverend Gary Buskwood, author of the upcoming book Miracles and Mishaps. “In the right hands, it is a wondrously potent instrument. But when wielded by an unqualified individual, the results can be disastrous.”

Among the dozens of startling cases the Tennessee-based expert recounts:

* Rebecca M., 66, of Montgomery, Ala., begged the preacher at a revival to cure the crippling arthritis that kept her bound in a wheelchair. She had no way of knowing that he’d received his diploma in divinity online and had no training in faith healing.

“He placed his hands on her legs and prayed, ‘Let this woman walk again for the rest of her life,’” reveals Rev. Buskwood. “Almost immediately she rose from her wheelchair and was able to walk for the first time in years. The trouble is she hasn’t been able to stop walking. Two months have passed, she has lost more than 80 pounds and doctors are pessimistic about her long-term survival.”

* Exotic dancer Kari G., 25, of Tampa, Fl., was dissatisfied with her B-cup and, too frugal to go to a plastic surgeon, followed a girlfriend’s advice that she seek the aid of a faith healer. Rather than pay him in cash, she offered certain sexual favors – an offer the 54-year-old itinerant clergyman was too weak-willed to refuse.

“During the laying on of hands, the preacher asked that her breasts be doubled,” says Rev. Buskwood. “But instead of developing double D’s, as she intended, a pair of new breasts sprouted on her back!”

* Auto mechanic Mark H., 34, of Simpsonville, S.C., visited a respected faith healer who’d cured his cousin of deafness as well as successfully treating several neighborhood dogs for distemper.

“He wanted help for his receding hairline,” says the expert. “So the faith healer placed a hand on his scalp and prayed ‘Lord, please channel your might through me and give this man more hair.’ Sure enough, by the next day Mark could see in the mirror that his hair was thicker.”

What the unlucky grease monkey didn’t know, however, was that the respected Pentecostal preacher was under investigation for statutory rape — and was hauled off to jail just days after the session.

“Within a month Mark’s entire face and body was covered with hair,” says Rev. Buskwood. “He now looks like a circus freak. Even shaving three times a day, he can’t keep up with the seemingly supernatural hair growth.”

GENUINE faith healers like Oral Roberts have helped thousands of people worldwide.

GENUINE faith healers like Oral Roberts have helped thousands of people worldwide.

Traditional medicine is generally ineffective in treating people who’ve been the victim of such quacks. Their best hope of recovery is to consult a legitimate faith healer, advises the expert.

“Unfortunately, many victims are reluctant to seek the help they so desperately need, due to their bad experiences with faith healing.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

PRIESTS FROM HELL: The 13 Scariest Movie Preachers   2 comments

By C. Michael Forsyth

Clergymen provide us with spiritual guidance and emotional support, but when they go bad, they go very bad. Take a look at this roundup of 13 men of the cloth who went over to the dark side. Then vote on who’s the scariest movie preacher of all time.

BROTHER JUSTIN CROWE, played by Clancy Brown in “Carnivale” (HBO, 2003-5): Powerfully built Brown has portrayed some frightening villains, most memorably The Kurgan in “Highlander.” Here he’s a fiendish, supernatural version of Father Coughlin, the hate-mongering Depression-era radio preacher. Brother Justin has the power to bring people's sins and darkest desires to life in horrifying visions. He uses his radio show to brainwash the masses to do his bidding. But the Dust Bowl devil is not above resorting to physical means, mowing down uncooperative folks with a scythe.

BROTHER JUSTIN CROWE played by Clancy Brown in “Carnivale” (HBO, 2003-5). Powerfully built Brown has portrayed some frightening villains, most memorably The Kurgan in “Highlander.” Here he’s a fiendish, supernatural version of Father Coughlin, the hate-mongering Depression-era radio preacher. Brother Justin has the power to bring people’s sins and darkest desires to life in horrifying visions. He uses his radio show to brainwash the masses to do his bidding. But the Dust Bowl devil is not above resorting to physical means, mowing down uncooperative folks with a scythe.


CALEB, played by Nathan Fillion in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Season 7, 2003).  Before handsome Nathan made female viewers hearts flutter as Capt. Mal in “Firefly,” he terrified them as this sadistic sociopath with a pathological hatred of women. A defrocked priest, Caleb was chosen by the non-corporeal First Evil to lead its campaign to destroy humanity. Able to channel its power, he possesses immense physical strength and is seemingly indestructible; making him one of Buffy’s the most dangerous adversaries. The folksy, scripture-quoting madman has a real mean streak, gratuitously gouging out the eye of funny-guy Zander. Here he cuts short the career of a wannabe Slayer.

CALEB, played by Nathan Fillion in “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Season 7, 2003). Before handsome Nathan made female viewers’ hearts flutter as Capt. Mal in “Firefly,” he terrified them as this sadistic sociopath with a pathological hatred of women. A defrocked priest, Caleb was chosen by the First Evil to lead its campaign to wipe out humanity. Able to channel its power, he possesses immense physical strength and is seemingly indestructible, making him one of Buffy’s most dangerous adversaries. The folksy, scripture-quoting madman has a real mean streak, gratuitously gouging out the eye of funny-guy Zander. Here he cuts short the career of a wannabe Slayer.


FATHER LUCAS, played by Anthony Hopkins in “The Rite” (2011).  Welsh Jesuit Father Lucas is the Vatican’s top exorcist until he’s possessed by a demon himself. Incredibly, the supernatural thriller is based on real events as recounted by then exorcist-in-training, Father Gary Thomas. Yeah, sure. More believable is Hopkins acting. He resists the temptation to chew the scenery in favor of an understated, chilling performance. In this scene, the trainee (Colin O’Donoghue.) is horrified to learn that his mentor his now batting for the other team.

FATHER LUCAS, played by Anthony Hopkins in “The Rite” (2011). Welsh Jesuit Father Lucas is the Vatican’s top exorcist until he’s possessed by a demon himself. Incredibly, the supernatural thriller is based on real events as recounted by then exorcist-in-training, Father Gary Thomas. Yeah, sure. More believable is Hopkins’ acting. He resists the temptation to chew the scenery in favor of an understated, chilling performance. In this scene, the trainee (Colin O’Donoghue) is horrified to learn that his mentor is now batting for the other team.


REVEREND HENRY KANE, played by Julian Beck in “Poltergeist 2” (1992). Kane was the leader of 19th century doomsday cult who snuffed out the lives of his followers and became a ghostly Beast who keeps their spirits imprisoned. The character’s shockingly gaunt, skeletal appearance isn’t just good makeup. Actor Beck was dying of cancer during the shoot. Kane tries every trick in the book to gain entry into the Freeling family’s haunted house. In one grotesque scene, he transforms himself into a worm that the dad Steven (Craig T. Nelson) swallows with his tequila. The parasitic entity possesses the guy and tries to rape his wife before being vomited out as a hideous, scuttling monster. Watch these two memorable sequences: A Stranger and Let Me In.

REVEREND HENRY KANE, played by Julian Beck in “Poltergeist 2” (1992). Kane was the leader of 19th century doomsday cult who snuffed out the lives of his followers and became a ghostly Beast who keeps their spirits imprisoned. The character’s shockingly gaunt, skeletal appearance isn’t just good makeup. Actor Beck was dying of cancer during the shoot. Kane tries every trick in the book to gain entry into the Freeling family’s haunted house. In one grotesque scene, he transforms himself into a worm that the dad Steven (Craig T. Nelson) swallows with his tequila. The parasitic entity possesses the guy and tries to rape his wife before being vomited out as a hideous, scuttling monster. Watch these two memorable sequences: A Stranger and Let Me In.

REVEREND LESTER LOWE, played by Everett McGill in “Silver Bullet” (1985). With the fierce features that made him a perfect caveman in “Quest for Fire,” McGill is a scary-looking dude under the best of circumstances. As the werewolf in this tale from Stephen King, he’s even more terrifying. And the odds are against his target: a wheelchair-bound boy whose dopey uncle (Gary Busey) arms himself with only ONE silver bullet.

REVEREND LESTER LOWE, played by Everett McGill in “Silver Bullet” (1985). With the over-hanging brow that made him a perfect caveman in “Quest for Fire,” McGill is a scary-looking dude under the best of circumstances. As the werewolf in this tale from Stephen King, he’s even more terrifying. And the odds are against his target: a wheelchair-bound boy whose dopey uncle (Gary Busey) arms himself with only ONE silver bullet.

ANTHONY TIPET played by Keith Szarabajka in “The X-Files” (Season 8, Episode 7). Tipet is the leader of a religious cult who preaches that the Via Negativa or "path of darkness" is the true way to reach Nirvana. With the aid of a super-amphetamine, he’s able to open his third eye—literally a disgusting eyeball on his forehead—and  enter people’s dreams to murder them, ala Freddy Krueger. Tipet racks up 20 kills this way in addition to his wife, whom he simply bludgeons to death.

ANTHONY TIPET played by Keith Szarabajka in “The X-Files” (Season 8, Episode 7). Tipet is the leader of a religious cult who preaches that the Via Negativa or “path of darkness” is the true way to reach Nirvana. With the aid of a super-amphetamine, he’s able to open his third eye—literally a disgusting eyeball on his forehead—and
enter people’s dreams to murder them, ala Freddy Krueger. Tipet racks up 20 kills this way in addition to his wife, whom he simply bludgeons to death.

REVEREND HARRY POWELL, played by Robert Mitchum in “ Night of the Hunter” (1955).As this bogus preacher and serial killer who sports the two words "LOVE" and "HATE" tattooed across the knuckles of each hand, Mitchum is even menacing here than he was as a rapist stalker in Cape Fear. The charismatic Rev. Powell woos the unsuspecting widow of his former cellmate to get his hands on hidden loot from a robbery. After marrying and murdering her, he relentlessly tracks her two children. The atmospheric film was inspired by the true story of Harry Powers, hanged in 1932 for the murders of two widows and three children in Clarksburg, West Virginia.  Here are two memorable scenes: Sleepless preacher  and Not My Pa. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PyNL2ahKwc

REVEREND HARRY POWELL, played by Robert Mitchum in “ Night of the Hunter” (1955). As this bogus preacher and serial killer who sports the words “LOVE” and “HATE” tattooed across the knuckles of each hand, Mitchum is even more menacing here than he was as a rapist stalker in “Cape Fear.” The charismatic Rev. Powell woos the unsuspecting widow of his former cellmate to get his hands on hidden loot from a robbery. After marrying and murdering her, he relentlessly tracks her two children. The atmospheric film was inspired by the true story of Harry Powers, hanged in 1932 for the murders of two widows and three children in Clarksburg, West Virginia.
Here are two memorable scenes we’ll call Not My Dad
and Sleepless Preacher


ZOMBIE PRIEST played by Tony Sedgwick in “28 Days Later” (2002). Mild-mannered bicycle messenger Jim awakens from a coma to find London is besieged by zombies—worse still, fast ones—and he takes in a church. An ominous sign is that the words "The End is Extremely F---ing Nigh" are scrawled on the wall. Jim is relieved when a priest emerges—until the infected clergymen tries to eat him alive.

ZOMBIE PRIEST played by Tony Sedgwick in “28 Days Later” (2002). Mild-mannered bicycle messenger Jim awakens from a coma to find London is besieged by zombies (worse still, fast ones) and he takes refuge in a church. An ominous sign is that the words “The End is Extremely F—ing Nigh” are scrawled on the wall. Jim is relieved when a priest emerges—until the infected clergymen tries to eat him alive.

FATHER ZACHARY MALIUS, played by Charles Cragin in “Happy Hell Night” (1992). Friendly neighborhood priest Father Malius goes crazy and slaughters seven frat boys at Winfield College, then is committed to an asylum. Twenty five years later, fun-loving students from the fraternity stage a prank at the booby hatch, and Father Malius is inadvertently freed. It appears that he has not been entirely cured, because the psycho priest promptly launches a bloody spree of murder and mayhem.

FATHER ZACHARY MALIUS, played by Charles Cragin in “Happy Hell Night” (1992). Friendly neighborhood priest Father Malius goes crazy and slaughters seven frat boys at Winfield College, then is committed to an asylum. Twenty five years later, fun-loving students from the fraternity stage a prank at the booby hatch, and Father Malius is inadvertently freed. It appears that he has not been entirely cured, because the psycho priest promptly launches a bloody spree of murder and mayhem.

CZAKYR, played by David Sawyer in “Children of the Night” (1991).Townsfolk in peaceful Alburg were delighted when a European clergyman came to minister to them – until he began to “interfere with” children and feed on their blood. Cornered, the false priest Czakyr commits suicide, taking his young victims with him. The locals bury him in a crypt beneath the church and flood it. But when a pair of teenage girls take a late-night dip in the water, Czakyr is awakened and attacks them, unleashing a vampire plague. Before long, the town has become a bloodsucker haven like Salem’s Lot.

CZAKYR, played by David Sawyer in “Children of the Night” (1991).Townsfolk in peaceful Alburg were delighted when a European clergyman came to minister to them – until he began to “interfere with” children and feed on their blood. Cornered, the false priest Czakyr commits suicide, taking his young victims with him. The locals bury him in a crypt beneath the church and flood it. But when a pair of teenage girls take a late-night dip in the water, Czakyr is awakened and attacks them, unleashing a vampire plague. Before long, the town has become a bloodsucker haven like Salem’s Lot.


CARDINAL PATRICK ROARK, played by Rutger Hauer in “Sin City” (2005). Shielding pedophile priests just isn’t good enough for this corrupt and sinister church official. He protects his nephew Kevin (Elijah Wood), a cannibal serial killer who murders women, eats their bodies and mount their heads on his wall. Cardinal Roark joins in the grisly meals and frames Mickey Rourke’s tough-guy hero for one of the murders -- sins he answers for in this scene.

CARDINAL PATRICK ROARK, played by Rutger Hauer in “Sin City” (2005). Shielding pedophile priests just isn’t good enough for this corrupt and sinister church official. He protects his nephew Kevin (Elijah Wood), a cannibal serial killer who murders women, eats their bodies and mounts their heads on his wall. Cardinal Roark joins in the grisly meals and frames Mickey Rourke’s tough-guy hero for one of the murders — sins he answers for in this scene.


BISHOP ANTHONY LILLIMAN, played by John Standing in “V for Vendetta” (2006). Bishop Lilliman is a twisted pedophile as well as a high-ranking official in a fascist party that has taken over Great Britain. Despite his penchant for young girls, the bishop doesn't mind trying to rape twenty-something Natalie Portman when she comes to warn him of his impending assassination, as we see here.

BISHOP ANTHONY LILLIMAN, played by John Standing in “V for Vendetta” (2006). Bishop Lilliman is a twisted pedophile as well as a high-ranking official in a fascist party that has taken over Great Britain. Despite his penchant for young girls, the bishop doesn’t mind trying to rape twenty-something Natalie Portman when she comes to warn him of his impending assassination, as we see here.

FATHER ANTONIN, played by Jack Palance as in “Deadly Sanctuary” (1969). In this version of the Marquis De Sade’s “Justine,” Father Antonin livens up monastery life by subjecting the title character to torture and sexual abuse. Palance is no stranger to over-acting, but this performance is over-the top even for him, one critic calling it “one of the most bizarre ever seen on film.” Perhaps he was trying to balance out the wooden star Romina Power, daughter of screen legend Tyrone Power. “She was a like a piece of furniture,” director Jesus Franco later grumbled. “It was as if I was making Bambi 2.” Well, Bambi 2 with sex and sadism.

FATHER ANTONIN, played by Jack Palance in “Deadly Sanctuary” (1969). In this version of the Marquis De Sade’s “Justine,” Father Antonin livens up monastery life by subjecting the title character to torture and sexual abuse. Palance is no stranger to over-acting, but this performance is over-the top even for him, one critic calling it “one of the most bizarre ever seen on film.” Perhaps he was trying to balance out the wooden star Romina Power, daughter of screen legend Tyrone Power. “She was a like a piece of furniture,” director Jesus Franco later grumbled. “It was as if I was making Bambi 2.” Well, Bambi 2 with nudity and sadism.


The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The tables turn on an identity thief in the latest thriller by C. Michael Forsyth. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

YELLOW 1985 CAMARO REINCARNATED AS BLONDE!   Leave a comment

Va-Va-VROOM! Monica Hilderbrook lived before as a car, reincarnation expert claims.

Va-Va-VROOM! Monica Hildenbrook lived before as a car, reincarnation expert claims.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: In the 1980s, the Camaro was the epitome of cool.

BACK TO THE FUTURE: In the 1980s, the Camaro was the epitome of cool.

By C. Michael Forsyth

LOS ANGELES, Calif. — George Kelnway was heartbroken when his beloved 1985 Camaro was totaled in a wreck 25 years ago. But he believes the object of his affection has returned to him in the form of a curvy 24-year-old blonde.

And a top expert in the psychic phenomena agrees that the evidence is “overwhelming” that Monica Hildenbrook really did live before as the canary-yellow sports car.

“This is one of the most extraordinary cases of reincarnation I’ve ever encountered,” declared paranormal researcher Dr. Bella Delungo. “It’s like that old TV show My Mother the Car, but in reverse.”

Among the striking coincidences cited by the investigator:

• Monica was born at 8:40 p.m. on May 4, 1989 – the one-year anniversary of the 1988 crash, down to the very hour and minute.
• Her hair is an unusual bright yellow that’s virtually the exact shade of Kelnway’s car, and yellow is also her favorite color.
• Her favorite song is “La Bamba” the ditty that was playing on the car radio at the moment of the accident.
• She has a lifelong affinity for automobiles and works as a model at car shows.
• Whenever she sees the color red, she stops dead in her tracks.

“Monica has headlights you can’t take your eyes off of and plenty of junk in her trunk, just like my Camaro,” declared Kelnway, a 46-year-old marketing consultant. “The moment I laid eyes on her I felt a connection. It was the same bond I had with my first car.”

The road trip into The Twilight Zone began in 1985 when Kelnway received the spanking new vehicle as a high school graduation present. He fell head over heels in love with the car.

LOVESTRUCK: Young George Kelnway couldn't keep his hands off his yellow Camaro.

LOVESTRUCK: Young George Kelnway couldn’t keep his hands off his yellow Camaro.

“George lavished so much tender loving care on that Camaro,” his mother Katherine recalled. “He’d spend hours detailing it, waxing and buffing it. We’d joke that it was like his girlfriend.”

But the romance screeched to halt when Kelnway got in a head-on collision with a driver who’d fallen asleep at the wheel. Miraculously, the young college student walked away with only minor injuries, but his car was damaged beyond repair.

“When the tow truck took my car away I cried like a baby,” he recalled.

TRAGEDY: George Kelnway's Camaro was wrecked 25  years ago.

TRAGEDY: George Kelnway’s Camaro was wrecked 25 years ago.

Over the years Kelnway bought and sold many other cars, but never forgot his first. Then, in May 2013, as he shopped in the canned vegetable aisle at Wal-Mart, he smelled an eerily familiar fragrance.

“I turned and saw this gorgeous blonde in a yellow mini skirt,” Kelnway remembered. “Not only was her outfit the same color as my old Camaro, her perfume smelled just like the interior. I couldn’t help blurting out ‘You smell like my first car.’ She laughed and told me ‘Everyone says this perfume is like ‘new car smell,’ but I don’t care – it’s my favorite.’”

Kelnway, feeling an instant attraction, asked for her number on the spot. Monica, who also says she felt sure she knew George from somewhere, eagerly accepted. They hit it off on the first date and have been an item every since.

George Kelnway

George Kelnway

“When I found out that Monica loves driving at high speeds and models at car shows, the reincarnation thing began to occur to me, but it seemed too crazy to be true,” Kelnway said. “Then, on about our third date, when we were driving home from the movies, she started humming “La Bamba” and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.”

The couple dated for several months before Kelnway dared suggest his reincarnation theory to his stunning young girlfriend. Although she thought the whole idea was silly, in September she agreed to undergo past-life regression under the supervision of Dr. Delungo. The results were mind-blowing.

“Under hypnosis, Monica remembered being put together on an assembly line, and vividly recalled the accident,” the researcher revealed. “She accurately described the make and color of the other car involved in the collision, as well as the first three letters of the license plate – information she was not privy to.”

CAR MA: In the 1965-1966 sit-com "My Mother the Car," Jerry Van Dyke starred as a man whose mother was reincarnated as a 1928 Porter Touring Car.

CAR MA: In the 1965-1966 sit-com “My Mother the Car,” Jerry Van Dyke starred as a man whose mother was reincarnated as a 1928 Porter Touring Car.

The expert says this isn’t the first instance of a person having lived before as a machine. There are recorded cases of humans being reincarnated as army tanks, toasters, even electric can openers.

“In the cycle of births and deaths, a soul can return to the material plane as a human, animal or inanimate object depending on the moral quality of the previous life’s actions,” Dr. Delungo explained. “In all likelihood, Monica’s soul began its journey as a human. According to the laws of karma, misdeeds caused her to be reincarnated in an animal form, then, spiraling downward, as a series of objects. Now it appears that the powers that be are giving her another shot as a human.”

After emerging from the trance, Monica had no conscious recollection of her prior existence and was stunned to hear a recording of the hypnosis session.

“I have to accept that I actually was once a car,” she said. “You can’t argue with science.

“My friends love to make wisecracks, like ‘How’s life in the fast lane?’ or ‘Did George wax your rear end this morning?’ But it doesn’t bother me. All I know is that George and I have a special bond and this time I don’t want anything to ever separate us.”

Copyright C. Michael Forsyth

Speaking of karma, the tables turn on an identity thief in a new thriller by the author of this article. To check it out, click HERE.

Speaking of karma, the tables turn on an identity thief in a new thriller by the author of this article. To check it out, click HERE.

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel "Hour of the Beast."

The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.

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