Cops Will Ticket Subway Riders Who Lean on Poles With Butts

New city ordinance will slap a fine on subway riders who rely on their buttocks to stay upright.

By C. Michael Forsyth

NEW YORK CITY – Mayor Michael Bloomberg has waged war against soda pop, baby formula and other menaces to society, but now he’s taking a crack at his most formidable foe yet – subway riders who use their butt cheeks to grip the pole!

The crusading mayor plans to slap a hefty $250 fine on any commuter caught holding the metal pole with their buttocks instead of their hands.

“This is a quality of life issue for the citizens of New York and the Mayor takes it very seriously,” said a City Hall source familiar with the plan to be announced next week. “The practice is unsanitary, selfish and uncivil.”

People who lean against poles with their rumps rank high on top ten lists of commuters’ pet peeves.

“These people are essentially placing their anal clefts where I or my child put our hands,” fumed Sandy Glotmeyer, who writes a weekly blog on the New York subway system. “It’s gross. What are these people, especially young women, thinking? You don’t floss your butt crack in public. For God’s sake, at least strippers wipe the poles between their routines.”

Subway riders like these rank No. 1 among fellow commuters’ pet peeves.

The fine, set to go into effect in October, would be doubled for repeat offenders, according to the City Hall source. Many of the culprits are well-endowed females and some don’t see what all the fuss is about.

“Sometimes your hands are occupied and this is the only way to stay upright,” one woman caught in the act by a news crew told a local TV reporter. “I’m sorry, not everyone has perfect balance.”

However comfortable it might be, standing this way on the train is inappropriate and unsanitary, say experts in subway ettiquette.

A photo of Diane Lubetski clenching a pole between her cheeks has made the rounds on the Internet, turning the advertising copy writer into a minor celebrity in the Big Apple. The city dweller dismisses as “haters” those who’ve targeted people who choose this method of standing.

“I’m going to be blunt about it,” said Lubetski, 26. “You can’t stand on the subway this way unless you have something to work with back there. This is all about women with flat butts being jealous.”

Folks like this lady have raised the ire of New York’s mayor.

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UPDATE

As things turned out, then-Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s push to eradicate holding subway poles with butt cheeks failed. However, since then, the city has successfully battled other obnoxious and disgusting behavior on mass transportation.  The Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) has banned “manspreading,” the habit of thoughtless men sitting in subway cars with their knees wide apart, making it difficult for women to squeeze into the seat beside them. Violators receive warnings from transit cops—and in some cases, have been arrested for ignoring the manspreading ban.

Inconsiderate jerks like this guy are being tossed in the slammer.

The New York branch of the Foundation for Men’s Rights bitterly decried the new regulations, arguing that “a guy’s cajones need room.” But most male commuters have reluctantly accepted that times are changing and some have even attended classes to learn how to sit in a less macho and offensive manner.

What’s more, authorities are taking steps to wipe out “grinding,” the despicable practice of perverted male passengers who take advantage of crowded conditions to rub against attractive ladies, often cramming their “trouser trouts” between the victims’ buttocks.

On crowded New York subways, slimy sex creeps prey on female passengers, from office workers to shapely models.

Women are often traumatized by the outrageous misconduct, according to the group Hollaback, which is dedicated to stamping out sexual harrassment in public places. The organization has compiled hundreds of women’s shocking accounts of subway sex abuse.  

Female passengers are often unaware that they are being victimized by subway grinders, as shown in this scene from “Thanks For Sharing,” an eye-opening movie about sex addiction.

The MTA has launched an ad campaign encouraging female passengers to speak up and alert transit police if a man rubs against them. More importantly, the state legislature has made subway grinding a misdemeanor carrying a sentence of up to one year. 

Transit officials urge women to have men arrested if they suspect they may have been rubbed against intentionally.

The men’s rights group insists that the law is unfair, arguing that due to overcrowding, it is inevitable that passengers are crushed together during rush hour, and there’s no way to tell whether or not the up-close-and-personal contact is intentional.  

“Yes, sometimes a businessman’s wiener will wind up between a random secretary’s buns on the way home from work,” said a spokesman. “That doesn’t make him a sex fiend.”

But anti-harrassment activists call that victim blaming.

“Whether it’s a so-called ‘accident’ or not is beside the point,” a feminist legal scholar tweeted.  “What matters is that a person with breasts and/or buttocks has been made to feel uncomfortable and the offender has to be held accountable.”

Sardine-like overcrowding during rush hour makes it difficult to be sure whether groins are jammed against fannies accidentally or on purpose.

Ironically, some women may be displeased by the crackdown. In a recent  poll, a surprisingly high percentage of female passengers admit they actually get a cheap thrill from the raunchy encounters! 

Some gals seem unperturbed by the sleazy conduct of subway perverts.

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CLAUSTROPHIC TERROR GETS THE MAX

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